Sorry that I am getting these up so late. It has been a crazy day. The following are some humerous Shakespearean monologues. If you are not sure what they are saying go to www. sparknotes.com and click on the sections that says "No Fear Shakespeare". You can read the modern day translation side by side the original text. It is just a good tool to help you understand the difficult language of shakespeare. You don't have to choose one of these, but feel free to.
A Midsummer Night's Dream
Act 3 Scene 2
Hermia:
| HERMIA O me! (to HELENA) You juggler! You canker-blossom! You thief of love! What, have you come by night And stol'n my love’s heart from him? | ||
| HELENA Fine, i' faith! Have you no modesty, no maiden shame, No touch of bashfulness? What, will you tear Impatient answers from my gentle tongue? Fie, fie! You counterfeit, you puppet, you! | ||
| HERMIA “Puppet”? Why so?—Ay, that way goes the game. Now I perceive that she hath made compare Between our statures. She hath urged her height, And with her personage, her tall personage, Her height, forsooth, she hath prevailed with him.— And are you grown so high in his esteem Because I am so dwarfish and so low? How low am I, thou painted maypole? Speak. How low am I? I am not yet so low But that my nails can reach unto thine eyes. |
(In this scene, Hermia and Helena are fighting over they guys they love. They are basically calling each other names.. You would leave out the helena lines; i just left them in so you could see the context. Hermia is much shorter than Helena, so Hermia is comparing their heights, so picture yourself talking to someone taller than you. Although, the lines seem angry, they are really meant to be very funny.
As You LIke It
Act 3 Scene 5
Rosalind:
And why, I pray you? Who might be your mother,
That you insult, exult, and all at once,
Over the wretched? What though you have no beauty,--
As by my faith, I see no more in you
Than without candle may go dark to bed,--
Must you be therefore proud and pitiless?
Why, what means this? Why do you look on me?
I see no more in you than in the ordinary
Of nature's sale-work. Od's my little life!
I think she means to tangle my eyes too.
No, faith, proud mistress, hope not after it:
'Tis not your inky brows, your black silk hair,
Your bugle eyeballs, nor your cheek of cream,
That can entame my spirits to your worship.
You foolish shepherd, wherefore do you follow her,
Like foggy south puffing with wind and rain?
You are a thousand times a properer man
Than she a woman: 'tis such fools as you
That make the world full of ill-favour'd children:
'Tis not her glass, but you, that flatters her;
And out of you she sees herself more proper
Than any of her lineaments can show her.
But, mistress, know yourself: down on your knees,
And thank heaven, fasting, for a good man's love:
For I must tell you friendly in your ear,
Sell when you can; you are not for all markets.
Cry the man mercy; love him; take his offer:
Foul is most foul, being foul to be a scoffer.
So take her to thee, shepherd. Fare you well.
(In this scene Rosalind is dressed as a boy. Another girl named Pheobe has fallen in love with her thinking she is a boy. Rosalind is trying to discourage pheobe's crush by telling her how ugly she is. Again, more insulst, but very funny and clever.)
TWELFTH NIGHT
Act 2 Scene 2
Viola:
I left no ring with her: what means this lady?
Fortune forbid my outside have not charm'd her!
She made good view of me; indeed, so much,
That sure methought her eyes had lost her tongue,
For she did speak in starts distractedly.
She loves me, sure; the cunning of her passion
Invites me in this churlish messenger.
None of my lord's ring! why, he sent her none.
I am the man: if it be so, as 'tis,
Poor lady, she were better love a dream.
Disguise, I see, thou art a wickedness,
Wherein the pregnant enemy does much.
How easy is it for the proper-false
In women's waxen hearts to set their forms!
Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we!
For such as we are made of, such we be.
How will this fadge? my master loves her dearly;
And I, poor monster, fond as much on him;
And she, mistaken, seems to dote on me.
What will become of this? As I am man,
My state is desperate for my master's love;
As I am woman,.now alas the day!.
What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe!
O time! thou must untangle this, not I;
It is too hard a knot for me to untie! [Exit]
(In this scene Viola is also disguided as a boy. The lady olivia has fallen in love with her. This monologue is when viola realized that olivia has a crush on her, thinking she is actually a boy.)
These are just a few funny ones from Shakespeare. If you want to look for more
http://shakespeare-monologues.org is a good web sites. Just look up comedy and women. Use No Fear Shakespeare to help you understand the language. Let me know if you need anything by commenting at the end of this post and I will comment back. I don't have very many modern pieces, but I will keep thinking. Good luck.
Mrs.Romney
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